It's April 7, 2015 and I have decided to start this blog to document my life, current and past, as I've lived it; through my eyes, my interpretations, and no one else's. The reason behind it is simple. This will ultimately turn into a suicide note, but due to the fact that my suicide is many years off, I'm choosing to refer to it as a suicide novel. I have wanted to seriously (meaning it hasn't been a fleeting thought or a means of escape from one painful event) end my life for about 4 years now, but due to commitments I made and refuse to abandon, I will continue living in pain until those commitments no longer exist. At that time, I plan to leave the address to this blog for anyone close to me who would like to read it and understand me and the choices I made and the things I endured. Also, one of the biggest reasons is that I feel no one has ever truly known me. Some of that is their fault and some is mine because in the more recent past I decided to close myself off emotionally from people. I feel it's safer for me because I honestly believe that if I suffered one more huge loss or heartache, I simply couldn't go on and that's a risk I cannot take. I have priorities and staying alive is NUMBER ONE in order to fulfill my commitments (which I'll discuss in a future blog).
I'm 37 years old, and I believe that as long as no illness or accident takes my life sooner, I have about 8-10 years left before I can carry out my plan. It's a gut-wrenching reality seeing as how every day is a struggle, but I feel like if I focus on my "reasons to live" and keep up with this blog it will help me pass the time.
I'm going to end this blog before I get into any details because it was meant solely as an introduction and a to give my readers a sort of "what you can expect."
Until next time....Fin
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