Some people have bad days. Some people have bad weeks or months. Some even have bad years. And then there are those of us who, for whatever reason, just have bad lives. Where everything that could go wrong, does. This is just my story, a piece of my mind to leave behind.
I've always found ways to numb the pain, or make it go away all together. The sins of my parents left gaping wounds that not even decades of therapy, and psychiatric medications could heal. When I was younger - I'm talking ages 16 to well, I guess up until I gained weight and wouldn't leave the house, I used sex. I slept with more women than I can even remember. I slept with a couple men too (I loved them both...one was a long time friend and the sex sucked because we had no chemistry, and the other was someone who is still in my life because we truly had a bond, and chemistry and friendship- although the sex ended 7 years ago, we are still very close friends), but what I've realized about men is that when I sleep with them it's simply an act of using them physically the way men use women - as sex objects. The way I was always used by the men in my life. I only cared about one (the one I mentioned above), we are still friends, in fact- close friends. We used each other and were both ok with that. Men are useless to me. I don't need them for sex, or sperm, or emotional support, etc. With women I let them use me. I didn't let them touch me, or do anything for me. I paid for everything, and I performed everything. And I NEVER stayed the night. I'm not saying I respected all, or most of them - if they would sleep with me on the first night, or the first week, then no.... why should I? I needed the power to convince them that I was SO good looking that I was worth having sex with. I needed them to let me please them, so I could feel their vulnerability. No doubt this came from my childhood; feeling so incredibly used, neglected and abused. In my 20's I was incapable of loving anyone or letting anyone close to me. I could not be vulnerable in any way. I was verbally abusive, and controlling, and cruel to a lot of people, just as I'd been raised to be - just like my father has always been. I liked to fight. I was arrested when I was 23 for battery and even though jail actually felt safe to me, I knew I didn't want to be there forever, so that's when I decided to get help for my anger, and I continued to see that same therapist for the next 10 years. But little changed. I guess there are people who get over trauma and people who don't. I'm 37 years old and I haven't gotten over anything; I'm generally filled with disgust for people and life. People would never know it. I spend my time helping animals and that is the ONLY thing that gives me any sort of satisfaction. I also try to do advocacy work for Gays and Lesbians, but dogs are what get me up in the morning, and what keep me from taking my life, and most of the time they are what numb my pain... them and pills. I am my mother's daughter. I take pills that are prescribed my by shrink (Did I mention I have debilitating anxiety that causes depersonalization disorder and major depressive disorder? Did I mention it is living hell?). Most of the time they make me sleepy and that's what I like. I want to just sleep through life, even though I cry from the guilt because I feel I should be spending more time with my dogs. I'll take any pills that will help me sleep. Everyday is a struggle.... every day I'm in pain and this did not happen recently. This has been going on for DECADES. Since about the age of 5, life has been a shit fest.
Anyway, back to the pills.... I will take anything that will stop the nightmares from the past, that will stop the anxiety, and the shadow of myself that follows me around behind my left shoulder. I will take anything to sleep. I will take anything to not feel the pain of regret. And I will take anything to FORGET the beautiful past life I had as a 911 Paramedic. When I became unable to work due to physical and mental illness, I became someone else. I stopped being me, literally. Something inside my brain changed permanently. I lost everything. Everything I had worked so fucking hard for. I lost my amazing house (I had to sell it). I lost my independence, and freedom. I lost the ability to do ANYTHING without my Dad looking over my shoulder since I had to move in with my parents. I take pills to numb that too. I miss working so much that the pain nearly strangles me. I can't watch TV b/c if I see an ambulance it brings me one step closer to hanging myself. Right now things are especially bad.... my Jeep has been broken down for months and I don't have the money to fix it, so I've lost the freedom to drive when and where I want. Trying to provide for my dogs and cat (Vet bills and food) and myself on an SS check and pay my Dad rent is nearly impossible and it's killing me. Everything I want is something I can't have. I have 2 pairs of shorts and 3 shirts from Wal-Mart. It's so humiliating when the only thing you can afford is from Wal-Mart.... My glasses are the wrong prescription and have duct tape on them (and have for years) because I can't afford to go to the eye doctor. My teeth are starting to rot because I haven't been able to afford to go to the dentist since I lost my insurance a few years ago. I can't afford the things I NEED, let alone anything I want. I don't get to buy myself anything. And you have people out here speaking so hatefully about poor people as if this is what I wanted, as if this is what I dreamed about... I busted my ass to make a GREAT career for myself, I bought my own house with NO HELP or support from my parents or anyone else. It's NOT my fault I have a mental illness that even with medication I can't always control. It's NOT my fault I can't work anymore.... when I'm on my meds I can't remember things, I can't hold still, I have trouble thinking, and when I'm off my meds it's dangerous - terrifying fear, anxiety, or depression, any one of the three can kill you, or make you kill yourself. So no, I DON'T WANT THIS BULLSHIT LIFE. I DON'T WANT TO BE POOR. It's NOT because I'm lazy and don't want to work.... ALL I want to do is work!! It fucking KILLS me that I'm not working anymore. So think about that the next time you or someone you know is talking shit about people who don't work and receive government assistance. I'd rather be DEAD - you can keep the tiny bit of money they give me each month.
I wish I liked alcohol, or weed... unfortunately I hate both. And I refuse to try any other drugs because I'm afraid I would get addicted and leave my dogs or do some crazy shit that people do on the seriously illicit drugs. So for now, it's pills, and sleep, and my dogs.... and writing.
I just hope I never accidentally OD because I don't know what would happen to my dogs. That's why I constantly think about finding a way to take us all out together.... they can't go to a shelter, they have special needs, they can't stay with my parents (I'd rather them be put down before that happens because my father is physically abusive to anyone weaker or smaller than him) so there is no where for them to go... and THAT is something I can't handle. I have control over SO LITTLE in my life. I want control over the fate of my dogs, but there's only one way to get it......
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