I scored 60 hydros today. My drug of choice. There are so many people addicted to pain killers and if anyone ever reads this blog (I don't totally understand how people find these blogs) you may even be one of them, but if you're NOT, I can tell you a few things....
The good first, of course. You swallow the pills they are best when taken on an empty or almost empty stomach) and after about 20 minutes your whole body begins to feel warm. A soothing warm....the kind of warm I imagine an infant would feel as it's mother holds it close to her bare chest. If you're nervous, or angry, or afraid, or sad, or bored, or lonely it all just slips away and the infamous "euphoria" hits you. It's hard to explain euphoria if you've never felt it, but it's sort of like the way you feel for the first several minutes after a really good orgasm. Your whole body relaxes, your mind slows down, and you just feel really, really, REALLY good and happy. You want to talk to people, even if you're a shy person, you're not shy when you're high. You have energy, but it's not the type of energy you get with uppers, it's just a type of motivation OR you can choose to relax. It's just a wonderful thing. Depending on your tolerance and how much you took the high can last anywhere from 30 minutes to a couple hours. After the 1st high subsides, you then just become extremely relaxed and sleepy (for me...remember this is all my experience). And after several hours I fall asleep. Since I have bad PTSD I rarely sleep; this is another reason I love these.... I can sleep without nightmares. They do make me crave nicotine, so I tend to chain smoke when I'm high. Otherwise I'm not a smoker. Strange, I know.
Ok, now for the bad. Believe it or not, the bad parts of being addicted to opiates FAR outweigh the good, but something in an addicts brain it is constantly tricking you and telling you that you need to be high. The high goes away after several weeks, but you keep chasing it thinking you'll get it back. For me, I just end up vomiting and trying again, vomiting and trying again.... it's insanity, I know, but that high is SO incredibly addictive. If I had a penny for all the times I'd detoxed (withdrawn) from dope, I'd be rich. No kidding. It's a constantly revolving door. Less than 1% of users who stop will never relapse. That means that you have a 99% chance of relapse. Anyway, the bad........ First obviously, you run out. Depending on how bad your habit is you will begin to get dope sick within 6-12 hours. I have noticed that the severity of symptoms vary each time, but they are always similar. First you start getting the chills... but you're also hot, so it's kind of like having a fever, but you don't have a fever. You'll be sweating, but freezing to the core. It's a cold like you've never felt. It's very uncomfortable, but tolerable. Then comes the sneezing, incessantly. And runny nose. As the hours pass you begin to feel worse, your joints hurt really bad, you get horrible diarrhea (I'm talking water)....and while I'm on the poop subject, let me tell you about the constipation which all narcotics cause. When I was using Fentanyl it got so bad that I had to drink some type of nasty drink in an attempt to keep my bowls from causing a blockage that required surgery. I then had to use rubber gloves, coated with vasoline and (this is gross, be warned) and insert my hand into my rectum (PAINFUL) to try to break up the hardened poop and get it out. I had to do this multiple times a day and each time it became more painful. I ended up sitting on ice packs. My rectum was not large enough and the stool was too hard to pass on it's own. Before this happened I sat on the toilet with laxatives for hours and strained and pushed and nothing happened. This was one of the times I was soooooo down about my addiction that I stopped using for almost 6 months. Anyway, just imagine literally digging shit out of your butt. It bleeds and it hurts. Then there's the nausea. This usually isn't a huge problem for me, but there have been a few times it's appeared and even caused me to vomit. It's like having the worst flu/cold imaginable and adding 10 additional symptoms on top of it. The next worst thing, and what I hate almost most of all is the insomnia. When you're detoxing you CANNOT sleep. I've taken 20mg of Valium, 10 Klonpin and a Xanax and was still wide awake. You don't sleep AT ALL for anywhere from 2-5 days. Yet you are exhausted. But the worst symptom, and more dope addicts can tell you this, is the inner restlessness.... It's like restless legs syndrome but it occurs in various parts of your body or your whole body and it is absolutely EXCRUCIATING. I've cut myself (and I'm not a cutter) trying to ease the pain, I've hammered my muscles, tried iced, and heat and jogging.... but NOTHING makes this symptoms stop (except more dope, of course). I would rather have all the other symptoms combined than to deal with the restlessness. It is incredibly painful. It's like have every nerve in your body exposed and then having someone use an electric cord to tingle them. You can't stay still, yet you're exhausted and sick, but you have to keep thrashing and moving. I also become VERY agitated and VERY angry the first week. Everything pisses me off, I throw things, I punch walls, I am just angry. I've tried to control that with other drugs, but it doesn't work. So I isolate myself so that I don't go off on someone. The acute withdrawal lasts around a week or two and then you move into PAWS (Post Acute Withdrawal Symptoms), if you want to know more about that just Google it. But needless to say, coming off dope is a process of several months, the first week or two is absolute hell.
Yet we still go back. The drug calls us back, every time. Especially for people like me who can't tell anyone (because I'd lose my home and my dogs), and can't afford treatment for a safe detox and to get into a program. But honestly, I don't want to quit anyway.... it's the only way I can conceive continuing to live. So I pay my dues and I suffer the inevitable withdrawal.
I try to only use once a day, in the evening so I can still be a good dog owner and play with my dogs during the day, also it helps them last longer, and lastly because I eventually get sleepy and have to sleep.
So I'm excited tonight because it's been over a week since I've used and although I was finally through the worst of the withdrawal, I couldn't say no... so tonight I will melt away into perfect bliss where my heart isn't broken, and my wounds don't exist and the past is gone, and I will feel the peace that only pills bring.
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